an apron, a pincushion, a stool, & a set of dish towels

They are a collection of commonplace things: an apron, a worn leather stool, a set of flour sack dish towels, a pincushion made from mason jar rings. Nothing extraordinary about them.  They’re rather humble objects, even.  But I love them. I love the stories behind them. I love how useful, yet lovely they are. I love that they represent the dear lady they came from.

 I love that they remind me of her. I love that every time I use the velvety purple pincushion made from mason jar rings, I remember how Grammy told me a girl from Illinois made it for her years & years ago & gave it to her as a hostess gift when they came to Oregon to visit her.

 I am sitting beside her in her living room again, every time I see my embroidered dish towels, watching her at work, the hoop stretched tight, needle working up & down, her thin legs stretched out on her stool in front of her. I can still hear her sweet wavery voice lamenting, “I just don’t know what all these young girls think they are going to do when they are old without knowing how to do any handwork.” And I would be so relieved I knew how to knit & the basics of embroidery so I wasn’t “one of those young girls”.  

Her old leather stool is now my sewing machine perch, as it was hers. (And it’s a perfect toddler photo prop!) I can picture her there making clothes for her kids because she had to, for her “grandies” because she wanted to, & for her “great-grandies” because she still could. She was always, always giving. And I never heard a word of complaint.

Her apron surrounds me when I cook, & I think back to the many times we would take a meal to her. I took fried chicken once, & she dug into it with gusto, telling us how it reminded her of her childhood. I loved to listen to her talk. We never left early & hardly got a word in edgewise all night!

There are so many phrases that leap to my lips that I borrowed from her. Some of them are funny: “Looks aren’t everything…but they sure help!”; “Men. Sometimes you could just sell ‘em for a nickel! But we need ‘em.” Some of them are learned from a lifetime of hardship: “You can be happy if you decide to be.” “When it’s raining in Oregon, I just shut the blinds, turn on all the lights, & play some music.” “You don’t have to scoop rain.” Some of them make me cry: “I’m always so happy to come home to my little house. I just hope whoever gets it after I’m gone appreciates it as much as I do.” She told me that shortly before she died. I think she knew Dar & I would probably move there. I wish she would’ve been able to meet Fiona. She said as much, too, “Darwy, “ (she added a “y” on the end of all her “grandies” names.) “I wish I’d be here to meet your little one, but I’m afraid it’s just not to be.” I wish she would’ve been here to meet Fee, too.

I’m so glad I got to meet her, if only for a few brief years. She was a lady, & a virtuous woman. If I am like her someday, I will have lived a good life.

Until that day, I have an apron, a worn leather stool, a set of flour sack dish towels, a pincushion made from mason jar rings, & the memory of a dear Grammy to set a standard to live by.

lovely, honest, & true

**this post has sat in my draft file for a week or two. I keep going to publish it, then wimping out. It's so...Honest. I'm not sure who all reads this little blog anymore or what they think of me. I'd like to maintain my facade of perfection & total togetherness (ha!), but if I am to abide by the calling to wherewith I am called, I need to post this. Read with mercy towards me. Here goes!

One of my goals for this blog is to be positive & in line with one of my favorite verses, Phillipians 4:9 “Whatsoever things are true...honest…just…pure…lovely…of a good report, if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things.” I tend to focus on the “lovely”. But this verse also directs us to think on the true & honest.

{let's pretend this verse is from Philippians 4. In real life, I don't have time to always finish the projects I start, so this verse will have to do.}

To be honest & true, I have to admit that life isn’t always lovely, at least by my definition. There was a stretch of time recently where I felt life was a little less than lovely. It was tough. Fiona was very needy, Dar seemed to be preoccupied with work & a business deal that had gone south, I was lonely & overwhelmed with all the holiday preparations. The expectations & standards I held myself to pre-Fee weren’t realistic now, but I was still holding myself to them & was failing miserably. Things kept getting bleaker & bleaker. Normally, I’m a mostly positive, bright-tomorrow kind of girl. But Christmas this year just felt daunting & to be quite frank, I wasn’t a bit excited about it. Wrapping gifts, decking the halls, goodwill toward men, it all felt impossible. The simplest tasks & decisions left me floundering & nearly in tears. I felt like I had to make the perfect decision or everything would fall apart. Time ticked by way too quickly & at the end of every day, I felt like I’d accomplished nothing, but was exhausted anyway.

I hated that I felt that way. In my mind, I knew that God was still there, that He was still good. My life was pretty much perfect & I told myself I had no reason whatsoever to feel blue or joyless. I felt ridiculous being overwhelmed with only one child, not working a job. There was no reason to feel the way I did, I told myself again & again. Lots of women were waaay busier than me & seemed to be coping just fine! But still, there were moments I wanted to quit trying & curl up in bed. I would try to fight it by saying over & over in my mind, “Lord, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!” I thought maybe I was being too sedentary & tried to exercise more. I tried to plan fun outings & activities with friends to avoid being at home alone. But my heart struggled to find joy. I tried to hide it from everyone. Maybe I succeeded. But Dar noticed it.

He was a wonderful, wonderful husband through it. He gently talked me through my panicky irrational moments & helped me make decisions that I’m sure he didn’t really care about. He cut me slack when dinner was a woeful assortment of leftovers because I just couldn’t decide what to make for dinner. He encouraged me to talk to other moms & get advice on how to overcome this blue period. He asked why I wasn’t doing the things I used to find such joy in & suggested that I start doing them again. He told me to start blogging again! (I had no idea he even knew I wasn’t blogging anymore.) He prayed for me. If this little bout of being down happened for no other reason than to make me grateful & thankful for my husband, it will have been worth it.

Slowly though, life began to look a little brighter. Fee got less needy. Christmas came & went. I realized what an awesome, supportive husband I have. I revived my interest in blogging, creating, living. I began spending more time on my devotions in the morning, & writing my thoughts in a journal on what I’d read. I told myself it was okay if I didn’t get my list done for the day & that no one would die if I wore this shirt instead of that one. (It was really that bad!)

Now that that time is over, & I can look back, I wonder if I shouldn’t have been more open with others about it. But that seemed so hard at the time. Why is that? Why is it so hard to acknowledge that life isn’t always pretty & lovely? I know I don’t think any less of someone if they are going through a hard time. I know that I am grateful & honored when they deem me trustworthy & caring enough to share the nitty gritty. I want to pray for others when life is tough! That’s what being a family of believers is all about.

I share this for a few reasons. 1) to encourage other women, new moms especially, that it is okay to feel overwhelmed. But to cut yourself some slack & ask for help! If it weren’t for my wonderful in-laws watching Fee for me a few hours here & there, I’d have gone crazy. 2) to make myself accountable to being more open when, & if I am being honest with myself, it is when, this type of depression happens again. 3) to break this attitude of trying to appear perfect. I know I’m not. You know I’m not. Let’s all quit pretending. 4) to bring glory & honor to God for His grace & love in getting me through it!

There. Now you know. Maybe it isn’t my definition of lovely, but isn’t life, with all its very real & ugly challenges, lovely all the same?

goals for 2016

A new year is hopeful.

Clean & bright.

A blank canvas just waiting.

This year took me by surprise. I wasn’t ready for 2016. I’d barely registered we were in 2015. It was a year of BIG change. This being our biggest. 

But here we are. And I’m so happy we are here.

2016 holds some big goals for me. It holds action. God has slowly been tugging at my heart to take the leap. I am ready to act on some dreams & schemes I’ve been scribbling about in my “plan & dream” journals for years. The desires & intentions of my heart are to reach out to others:  other young moms, other creative souls, other sisters-in-Christ. I want to build up, encourage, & inspire joy in the everyday life.  My biggest goals for 2016 are all about that.

Stay tuned for inspiring free printables, simply diy projects, tutorials, favorite berry recipes, more from life on the farm, & snippets of our little slice of the PNW!

What are some of your goals for the fresh new year? Learn to paint watercolor flowers? (Keep checking in with pearls on a string...:)) ) Spend more time with family? Be a more intentional mother? Make healthier, homegrown meals? Raise chickens? I'd love to hear them! 

Here's to an inspiring, vibrant 2016!

Fiona | 9 months part 2

I took a few photos of Fee the other day to capture her spunky nine month self. Nine months is easier in some ways than newborns or three months: she is learning what the camera is & will smile pretty easily when coaxed. Being more mobile though, she kept trying to crawl over to me to get the camera. I had to be quick! The beauty of taking her photos myself allowed me to take as long as I needed & at her prime-between naps, after a snack. And there was lots of downtime between photos. I'm really happy with how they turned out!

 I thought maybe giving her some beads would keep her in one spot. It did, but they were in her mouth the whole time! I'll have to find another strategy.

 We took advantage of a lull in the rain we've been living with for the past weeks to get outside. She definitely cooperated better for the outdoor photos. The lighting was much easier as well.

 And her blue eyes...oh my! They make my mother heart patter! I can just imagine her one beautiful life lived vibrantly when I see these blue wondering eyes. And it makes my heart ache just a little for all the hurts & challenges I know lie ahead for her too. And how I won't (and shouldn't!) be able to protect her from all of them.

 The little booties are courtesy of Aunt Wendy & have been worn daily since they arrived in the mail. My older sisters still spoil me, albeit via my daughter!

 Chubby cheeks, luscious eyelashes, sticky-outy ears, awkward tufts of hair. She is simply perfect in my eyes.

Fiona | 9 months

6 weeks

9 months

(!!! How does this ^ happen?) 

Hello, nine months. You are pretty fun. 

You're so curious. And a little bit daring. Edges are starting to intrigue you. You crawl like a champ-not very speedy, but you get where you want to go by a steady plod. The uncles have been pushing you to walk. I think you will walk only when you want to though. Most of the time you are pretty even-keeled, but you can be stubborn when you want to be. You don't like being fed & prefer to feed yourself whatever we are eating. Baby food is for babies & you think you aren't one anymore. Food is an adventure you thoroughly enjoy. I'm hopehopehoping it stays that way!!

Everything still gets put to the taste test. Some of your favorite foods are sausage! Bacon! And applesauce. You've stained more than one white shirt with orange cutie juice. (Who knew it stained!?) I've even been sneaking in a little dairy here & there. No huge reaction!

Sleeping's been a lesson in unpredictability & learning to roll with the punches. Sometimes it's a 3-nap day, sometimes it's a 1-nap day. Frequently you decide 3 am is a good time to complain about your sleeping arrangements. I've gotten pretty good at turning off the monitor & rolling over. (Bad mom!) What keeps me sane is your habit of sleeping in til 9. It makes the 11:00 bedtime doable. One of my favorite parts of the day is hearing you wake up in your crib & talk to yourself. I sneak in & just watch you chatter & pull on your bear's nose sometimes, in awe that you are mine.

You're getting a little snugglier (to daddy's delight!) & like to follow me around the house. Going bye-bye is your favorite. You are quick to wave & head towards the door if you hear those words! Cousin Livy is your buddy & so are most other littles. A little too much sometimes--you can be a little aggressive with your affection! Daddy's got the scratches to prove it.

You've really started to come alive this month: you "cheese" for the camera & are starting to think you're kinda funny.

**Also, fun fact. You've been wearing these onesies for 5 months. They are 3 month size. You weigh 14# 14 ounces. Your friend, who was born a few months ago, weighs 13# 9 ounces.  Though she be but little, she is fierce. 

And teeth! Here are your top two, in all their gappy-chiclet-y glory. They make you look so adorably goofy. Dad worries about the gap: I love it. It's just you. 

We love you so. And while this month brought some of the hardest days for me so far, it also brought the best. Being a mother is so so strangely distressing & wonderful all at the same time. There are days I want to quit. But that would mean no little you in my life & that, my dear Fee, would be so sad. And so I will keep getting up at 3 am to make sure you're ok. And I will let you smear your snotty nose on my. And wipe your sticky cutie fingers on my freshly laundered white sweater. And I will carry you in your heavy cumbersome carrier through the drizzling rain a hundred times a day to run a hundred mundane errands & listen to you complain all the while about being warm, & dry, & cozy. And I will sacrifice my meal times to chop up the chicken into the tiniest little bits you can feed yourself that I will spend the next four days stepping on barefoot on the kitchen floor.
You, little love of mine, have showed me how selfish I can be, & how pure God's love for me really is. And you've looked cute while doing it. I can't wait to see what the next month has in store!

San Diego...with baby

We recently had the opportunity to go to San Diego. Dar & I were both anticipating a relaxing, sunny, warm getaway. A nice respite from the Oregon winter that has settled on the Valley with a vengeance. The weather was spectacular. The scenery everything we imagined.Relaxing? Not so much. Sigh. We are still such new parents. I mean, why on earth would we have thought Fee would enjoy being carted around, missing naps, snacks, & her familiar surroundings?!  

 I'm not sure how to say it without sounding like ungrateful & joyless. But the reality of our "relaxing getaway" was a full night of crying inconsolably, evenings where we settled for fast food, a little girl who hated sand & anything that didn't involve being held in her parents' arms. I kept telling myself, "We are in San Diego. I need to be enjoying this." As I was bleary-eyed & trying not to think a nap on our fast food food joint sounded more appealing than a stroll through Balboa Park. Am I glad we went? Absolutely. Was it a nice little getaway ala newlywed? Absolutely not. And when I look at this sweet girl with her (usually) sparkly eyes & the wonder of discovery in every breath, it is okay that my expectations for fun & relaxing were completely bombshelled. Because I love her dearly.

She did seem to enjoy Sea World. It was a lot of fun to see her show interest in the shows & aquariums. That was a foretaste of future vacations, I think. They aren't for the parents, that's for sure!

Am 

 A little Southern California sunset. Enjoyed briefly while Fee slept in our vehicle (we stayed close enough to watch her!).

 Our fist beach experience was wildly disappointing for Fee. She disliked her feet in the sand & the sun in her eyes. Poor little Oregon girl! We enjoyed watching the surfers & basking in the sun.

 My favorite beach: Coronado. Also, forgive me for a little sappy trip down memory lane: it was Dar & I's first date after we got engaged. Life doesn't look quite the same as it did then. There was no charming picnic basket with gourmet goodies, a quiet romantic leisurely dinner (what are leisurely dinners again?), & a trip off Coronado where I drove (!!). Here we were again, on Coronado, with a baby. Despite the frustration, lack of quality time to connect with my man, & constant thoughts of "Sleep!", I wouldn't go back to that first romantic date. Not if it meant a life without Fee or all the little storms we've already weathered! Shucks, I'm glad to be where I am.

 And the real reason we came back:

They aren't the littles I nannied. Noah is almost as tall as me now. Sophie has long surpassed me. Just for fun, here's a photo from November 2012, when I first moved to California. Same spot on the driveway, two of the same kids. 12 inches taller. It makes me a little weepy when I think how time flies. 
Someday, I won't remember the awful 3 am at our hotel in San Diego on that one trip we went on when Fee was a baby. I will just remember how glad I was that we took advantage of the opportunity to go. That we were there for Sophie. And that those first years of parenting were just so sweet...right? ;P.