Blue eyed Kathryns

My mom was recently here visiting us in Oregon. Fee & I just spent almost two weeks in Illinois, and Mom & Dan made return trip with us. It didn't go quite as planned. (Massive understatement.) There were words I learned & time spent in places I never wanted to learn or be at.

 I'll quit being cryptic.

 My mom had surgery on a broken ankle a few months ago. She flew to Oregon. The day we arrived, I took Fee into urgent care for a suspected ear infection. Mom tagged along to get some shortness of breath she'd been experiencing checked out. Then, a wheelchair ride to the hospital across the street, a CAT scan, large blood clot in her lung, a few hours in the ER, then an ambulance ride up to Portland. A few days there. A few days home. Back to the local hospital ER for shortness of breath again. Three days in the local hospital ICU. Four days at my house. Flew back to IL. She is on Coumadin & doing well now. (Coumadin: I wish I hadn't had to learn it.)

There. That's the story. The facts anyway. A lot of anxiety & uncertainty & waiting happened between the lines. 

Usually, my feelings are what I love to blog about: how a situation made me feel; the feels I have towards my family & Fee; how giddy I get over lovely, everyday life. But this is a little too raw still. And I just can't find the words. So I'll write about something easier. Maybe I'll come back someday, after all the tangled thoughts have been sorted & share the good that I know has come, and will come out of this situation. But for now, I will write about something easier & shallower that makes more sense to me. Like blue eyes.

I don't have blue eyes. Dar doesn't have blue eyes. This girl most definitely has blue eyes. 

Fee is fifth in a line of Kathryns. It fits that her blue eyes match the Kathryns before her. 

When my mom was here, she called Fee her "little Delft Blue Girl". In between stays at the hospital, she did her best to win Fee over. (I know I said no feely, raw things, but this was real). Fee didn't always like Mom. That's hard. It just doesn't seem fair that my family has to be so far away all the time, and when they are around, Fee is afraid of them & doesn't know them. It makes me cry. (There I go, being all feely again. I can't help it.) They both have blue eyes. That's where I was going with this.

There were some sweet moments in between the tough ones. Like all the concern from family & friends. The times Fee accepted Mom. Watching my in-laws step in & fill in the gaps for me at home when I was visiting the hospital. Being able to be the one for once to help Mom, to be the daughter that could be there for her instead of 2,000 miles away, waiting for text updates. But it was still hard.
That wasn't really about blue eyes, was it?

I always try to end posts on a positive note. I know God works all things together for good, to them that love the Lord. I know that tribulation works all kinds of wonders. I know that tried & purified faith comes out like gold. I know that it is in the dark times that God shines through us.

But I don't feel very shiny. I don't feel very strong. I feel so weak & flawed.

I will just end with this: When I am weak, He is strong. And blue eyes from two brown-eyed parents is a little surprise gift, a bit of the women who made choices & loved & raised families that brought us to here. That seems fitting somehow.