I got so much feedback, promises of prayers, & concerned messages from friends & family, that I felt the need to elaborate here. To be honest, I feel a little sheepish that it caused so much concern. Let me state up front: the baby appears to be healthy & I am just being monitored weekly from here on out via ultrasounds & stress testing to keep track of the baby's vitals. And yet, there were a few days where we weren't sure what the outcome was going to be. And I felt so much peace. It's easy to say this side of it, with the outcome being health & life, that I would've totally accepted the other outcome with as much peace. Perhaps. Perhaps not. I do know this: God is good.
Here is a my journal entry from a few days ago, in the middle of the unknown. It says it better than I could say it now, knowing the outcome.
3/18/17: Yesterday, I had a routine doctor's appointment for the baby. It's been measuring small, and measured even further behind, so they sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay. And they made an appointment for me to see a fetal high risk doctor in Portland at 3 pm. A little intense. They were/are worried it isn't getting enough oxygen and could go acidemic (?). When I asked what that meant, the doctor looked at me, and slowly said, "It would die". I have such peace with the situation though. I have no fear of the future. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away: blessed be the name of the Lord" keeps running through my head. Since Janella died, death has been on my mind frequently. It is so near, every day. But it isn't to be feared. Not my death, not the death of the three I love best (Dar, Fee, & baby). We are all heaven-bound. It would be hard to leave, or be left for the rest of my earthly life. The separation is real, and hurts, & won't go away. But praise Jesus, it isn't the end! If this little one doesn't make it, I'll see them again one day. Although my silly human mind has had fleeting thoughts, "If it does die right now, what will the purpose of its life have been? It won't have accomplished a thing for the kingdom of God. It won't even have a chance to love or know anyone! Why even create it?" But. But God creates us for His glory. Not so we can do for Him. Yes, He uses us to accomplish His means. But a stillborn is just as glorifying to Him as a full, long life of service, I believe. Somehow, some way, I don't understand it all, God is glorified simply by our existence. And He doesn't need our feeble efforts to bring Him validation or glory. Makes me feel pretty silly for some of my goals, mindset, & agenda. It's not me. And never has been. Like when I let Fee fold washcloths: I don't need her to. I'd do a better job doing it by myself. But it brings me joy & pleasure knowing she wants to help me. And I love the look of delight on her face when I praise her for a "well-folded" towel. God lets us do His work because it brings Him joy & pleasure to have His children want to help His kingdom. He could do it (and far better) without us. But He wants to include us because He loves us.
That was all I wrote. And the tests up in Portland & the visit with the fetal high risk doctor concluded that the baby is getting a normal amount of oxygen, has a healthy heart, is practicing breathing like a champ, & I am free to carry on normally til my appointment next week. The baby is very active, which is SO comforting, & I feel movement frequently.
I am thankful for this experience. God uses these situations to prove us, to show us that He'll come through in the hard times. And it's very comforting to know I have hundreds (thousands) of people praying for me & my little one. You all are very dear & I hope I can pray for you as mightily!
I share this because I want to assuage your worries:). I share this because it speaks of God's goodness, in every situation. I share this because perhaps it is what someone needs to hear today.
Thanks for the update! So thankful baby seems to be well. I'm praying it continues to be that way. Thanks for sharing ��
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