nine weeks to go

Only nine weeks to go...our home is filling up with bright, plastic baby accessories. We've started birthing classes (yikes!). I catch myself almost waddling. I'm not really ready for a baby. But I can't wait to meet our little one, too. My mind fluctuates between panic & excitement.

I've been panicking that I can't do this after all. That I'll think our baby's ugly. 

That I won't be able to handle labor. 

That I'll love the baby more than Dar. 

That he'll love the baby more than me. 

That I'll no longer care about my nieces & nephews I'll be so absorbed in my own child.

That I'll have a stillborn & be more sad about the wasted nine months than the loss of my baby.

That I'll lose my patience when they cry & shake them to smithereens.

That the sleepless nights will ruin my marriage.

Life as we know it will change. I know it's a positive change. Everyone tells me you'd never go back to being just the two of you, even with the sleepless nights & teething & frustrations. And I truly believe them. The first time my baby, my baby, reaches for me because I am their mother & the one who can comfort & love them best will be worth it all. It seems so narcissistic in words, but I can't wait to be the one they love best. And as much involvement I've had with my niblings & nannying in California, my own child will be solely my responsibility. And with that weighty responsibility comes an even greater fulfillment, I suspect. 

I'm so grateful for the people surrounding me that love their children & embody patience & grace towards them when I think I'd go nuts in their shoes. It gives me hope:). Not that there won't be mistakes made, or times of frustration, or moments of feeling helpless, but at the end of the day, I see them tiptoe into their children's darkened room & kiss their sleepy little heads no matter what that day was like. And that is what I focus on when I eye the flight of steps going into our apartment & think how many times I will lug this baby up & down. It will be worth it!

While we excitedly await the arrival of this little one, though, there is another loved one we are saying goodbye to. Grammy doesn't seem to have much time left here. I feel unqualified to talk about how much I love her & how much I've learned from her. She is an amazing, strong, spunky lady who let the hardships, & they were hard, of her life make her better, not bitter. Her family has the utmost love & respect for Grammy & will miss her terribly. Pray for them & her, that these moments could be sweet & beautiful & not too full of pain.