lovely, honest, & true

**this post has sat in my draft file for a week or two. I keep going to publish it, then wimping out. It's so...Honest. I'm not sure who all reads this little blog anymore or what they think of me. I'd like to maintain my facade of perfection & total togetherness (ha!), but if I am to abide by the calling to wherewith I am called, I need to post this. Read with mercy towards me. Here goes!

One of my goals for this blog is to be positive & in line with one of my favorite verses, Phillipians 4:9 “Whatsoever things are true...honest…just…pure…lovely…of a good report, if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things.” I tend to focus on the “lovely”. But this verse also directs us to think on the true & honest.

{let's pretend this verse is from Philippians 4. In real life, I don't have time to always finish the projects I start, so this verse will have to do.}

To be honest & true, I have to admit that life isn’t always lovely, at least by my definition. There was a stretch of time recently where I felt life was a little less than lovely. It was tough. Fiona was very needy, Dar seemed to be preoccupied with work & a business deal that had gone south, I was lonely & overwhelmed with all the holiday preparations. The expectations & standards I held myself to pre-Fee weren’t realistic now, but I was still holding myself to them & was failing miserably. Things kept getting bleaker & bleaker. Normally, I’m a mostly positive, bright-tomorrow kind of girl. But Christmas this year just felt daunting & to be quite frank, I wasn’t a bit excited about it. Wrapping gifts, decking the halls, goodwill toward men, it all felt impossible. The simplest tasks & decisions left me floundering & nearly in tears. I felt like I had to make the perfect decision or everything would fall apart. Time ticked by way too quickly & at the end of every day, I felt like I’d accomplished nothing, but was exhausted anyway.

I hated that I felt that way. In my mind, I knew that God was still there, that He was still good. My life was pretty much perfect & I told myself I had no reason whatsoever to feel blue or joyless. I felt ridiculous being overwhelmed with only one child, not working a job. There was no reason to feel the way I did, I told myself again & again. Lots of women were waaay busier than me & seemed to be coping just fine! But still, there were moments I wanted to quit trying & curl up in bed. I would try to fight it by saying over & over in my mind, “Lord, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!” I thought maybe I was being too sedentary & tried to exercise more. I tried to plan fun outings & activities with friends to avoid being at home alone. But my heart struggled to find joy. I tried to hide it from everyone. Maybe I succeeded. But Dar noticed it.

He was a wonderful, wonderful husband through it. He gently talked me through my panicky irrational moments & helped me make decisions that I’m sure he didn’t really care about. He cut me slack when dinner was a woeful assortment of leftovers because I just couldn’t decide what to make for dinner. He encouraged me to talk to other moms & get advice on how to overcome this blue period. He asked why I wasn’t doing the things I used to find such joy in & suggested that I start doing them again. He told me to start blogging again! (I had no idea he even knew I wasn’t blogging anymore.) He prayed for me. If this little bout of being down happened for no other reason than to make me grateful & thankful for my husband, it will have been worth it.

Slowly though, life began to look a little brighter. Fee got less needy. Christmas came & went. I realized what an awesome, supportive husband I have. I revived my interest in blogging, creating, living. I began spending more time on my devotions in the morning, & writing my thoughts in a journal on what I’d read. I told myself it was okay if I didn’t get my list done for the day & that no one would die if I wore this shirt instead of that one. (It was really that bad!)

Now that that time is over, & I can look back, I wonder if I shouldn’t have been more open with others about it. But that seemed so hard at the time. Why is that? Why is it so hard to acknowledge that life isn’t always pretty & lovely? I know I don’t think any less of someone if they are going through a hard time. I know that I am grateful & honored when they deem me trustworthy & caring enough to share the nitty gritty. I want to pray for others when life is tough! That’s what being a family of believers is all about.

I share this for a few reasons. 1) to encourage other women, new moms especially, that it is okay to feel overwhelmed. But to cut yourself some slack & ask for help! If it weren’t for my wonderful in-laws watching Fee for me a few hours here & there, I’d have gone crazy. 2) to make myself accountable to being more open when, & if I am being honest with myself, it is when, this type of depression happens again. 3) to break this attitude of trying to appear perfect. I know I’m not. You know I’m not. Let’s all quit pretending. 4) to bring glory & honor to God for His grace & love in getting me through it!

There. Now you know. Maybe it isn’t my definition of lovely, but isn’t life, with all its very real & ugly challenges, lovely all the same?